Wrong Turn
by bjxmas
Summary: 7.13 The Slice Girls tag - A collection of Dean Soliloquies. An internal dialogue from this most fascinating and troubled man. So much going on in there. Angst and insight. Drabbles.
1. If Loving You Is Wrong

7.13 The Slice Girls tag

Wrong Turn

Chapter One – If Loving You is Wrong

Sam's wrong.

I wasn't going to let her go.

I didn't choke.

She hadn't killed _yet._

Hadn't acted on her monster side.

She deserved a chance.

Maybe it was the last of my hope.

Praying she was more human than Amazon.

Truth is she was mine.

Even though I didn't know her.

I wanted to.

Wanted to know who she was.

Not what.

Wanted to believe that just maybe...

I knew better.

Down deep.

Knew she had to die.

Sam saved me from the deed.

Just like I did him.

It's what family does.

The hard job that needs doing.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_These drabbles seem to be the answer to my constant time constraints. A demanding job and family care don't leave much time for writing. I hope these glimpses inside the characters' heads offer some enlightenment. Maybe soon I'll get some real stories going again, but in the meantime, this is it._

_Thanks for reading. Comments are always appreciated. Later, B.J._


	2. Numb

Chapter Two – Numb

Cas.

Bobby.

Emma.

So much loss.

So lost...

Don't know what I feel.

Don't feel much anymore.

Maybe I've felt for too long.

Buried too much.

I'm numb to it now.

What am I supposed to feel?

What am I supposed to do?

Sam begs me to not die.

That's all I'm doing.

Trying to survive.

Lisa said I was white-knuckling it.

I am.

Don't know how to change.

Frank says to fake it.

My attempts aren't working.

I do my job.

What else do they want?

Everything else is empty space trying to fill me.

Numb to it all.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Jensen makes everything Dean is feeling so palpable, including how shell-shocked and numb he is to it all. Even in the quiet moments, when there isn't much going on physically, you can see the pain on Dean's face. That face-off with Emma was perfectly modulated, the weariness, the concern, the suspicion, the acceptance and the resignation to how it was all going to end. The emotion always resonates when Jensen is acting, whether it is a heartfelt crying scene or more subtle, captured by a simple look or move._

_Thanks for reading, comments are most welcome._

_Take care, B.J._


	3. Responsibility and Consequence

Chapter Three – Responsibility and Consequence

I have a responsibility to her...to _Emma._

I helped make her.

It counters my responsibility to the world.

It doesn't trump it, but it's there.

I know what I should do.

What I will do..._if necessary._

I don't know what I feel.

My feelings, buried so deep, inaccessible.

My mind can't even wrap around the concept.

Don't want to think on this.

Or hear Sam speak of it.

But it's there.

The_ truth._

One night changing everything.

Giving me a distant dream.

Turned into an ugly nightmare.

There are always consequences.

A price to pay.

This is mine.

And hers.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I still maintain Dean was as strong and steady as he could possibly be in dealing with this horrific situation. He faced it and took on the responsibility of spawning a monster child and then he accepted the tragic outcome with resigned acceptance. What else could he do? _

_Ultimately it was Emma who determined how this would end. Emma who refused to accept his help and concern. Emma who couldn't break free of what was expected. _

_So in the course of three days Dean gains and then loses a daughter. Another loss, another heartbreak for a man who feels so deeply and has suffered so much. _

_Thanks for reading, B.J._


	4. Beauty and the Beast

Chapter Four – Beauty and the Beast

She's beautiful.

Like her mother.

Soft, full lips. Cute button nose.

Expressive eyes that seem so innocent.

Flawless skin with a hint of freckles.

She looks like me too.

Perfect...on the outside.

But what's inside.

Her essence.

Who she is.

That's what matters.

That's where she most resembles her parents.

Monsters, killers.

I always wondered...

What it would be like to father a child.

Now I know.

These feelings are welling up.

Aching to be released.

I want to hold her.

Soothe her.

But I'm not an idiot.

I know what she is.

I know how this will all end.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I think somewhere in Dean's head he thinks his looks mask who he is. That the perfect bod and handsome face hide the ugly truth of who he really is and what he's capable of. As if the depths of his soul are unworthy and blackened somehow from the harsh job he is forced to do. _

_He could not be more wrong. He is beautiful inside and out._

_When Emma told him he was a good man Jensen's delivery of the line, "If you knew me, you'd seriously doubt it's true" broke my heart because I really don't want Dean thinking of himself like that. I want him to see what every innocent he's saved thinks of him, what Jamie from Monster Movie thought of him. I want him to rediscover the awesomeness of helping people. To see once more how special he is to be the guy who slays monsters and saves people._

_I do know that Dean sees beneath the surface when he judges others. He is intuitive and knows people, sees into their hearts and feels compassion for them. He is a good guy, and only a crazed Amazon man-hater would fail to see that._

_Thanks for reading. Later, B.J._


	5. Conflict and Duty

Chapter Five – Conflict and Duty

I told her she wouldn't like me.

I'm the man who's gonna kill her.

I don't want to.

But I will.

She talks to me easy.

Playing the child angle.

The family bond.

_Protect me._

_Save me._

It triggers all my responses.

That _need_ to fix things.

Save people.

She's damn good.

Believable.

But then she is mine.

It's what I do.

Lie and deceive.

Warp perception to the needs of the job.

I wish I could believe her.

But I can't.

Not really.

But I linger.

One more moment with my child.

All I'll have when this is over.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Once again, Jensen's ackting pulled us into Dean's turmoil. All the weariness tinged with silent longing, the knowledge of where it would end, the hopelessness amid a sliver of hope. All Dean wanted and yet all he knew he could never have. All there on his face. His words measured, reserved, but his hearts desire along with his resigned suspicion that it could never be bleeds through his eyes. Dean has never been able to lock down the truths his eyes reveal._

_In the end he was left with another loss, another shattered dream that he didn't even have time to process. The nightmare and the possibility ripped from his grasp instantaneously. Left only with the knowledge that he fathered a child, a man-hating, monster of a killer who never stood a chance. _

_More heartbreak for a man on the edge. I don't know that Dean actively wants to die, but he sure as hell is tired of living. He carries on because it's his duty, because there are still bad guys out there that need to be put down, because he should...because he doesn't know any other way to be._

_Thanks for reading, B.J._


	6. What Goes Around, Comes Around

Chapter Six – What Goes Around, Comes Around

This isn't the same as with Amy.

And yet it is.

Family does the hard job.

Protects you from doing an unsavory deed you can't.

Or don't want to.

What did I feel when Sam killed Emma?

Relieved.

Sad.

Empty.

I honestly don't know what I felt beyond knowing it was over.

One last memory.

Another lost hope.

More pain that doesn't even register anymore.

I'm not angry with Sam.

Not like he was with me.

I was already resigned to her dying...or me.

If it came to a choice, well, I'd do what I had to.

I always do.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I really loved that there were no recriminations from Dean toward Sam. Sam brought up the similarities to Amy, that he thought Dean choked, that his brother was being near suicidal. I didn't even see a look from Dean, anything to show he was angry or disappointed or questioned in the least what Sam did or why._

_All I saw was resignation and acceptance. Jensen did a masterful job there, of containing all the damage and yet allowing it to show. Dean is worn down, going through the motions without the heart to truly fight._

_It is what Bobby and Sam both feared, the road to ruin. A good way for a hunter to get himself killed. _

_Thanks for reading, comments are always welcome._

_B.J._


	7. The Bad Seed

Chapter Seven - The Bad Seed

She never stood a chance.

Didn't know any different.

Three days of life.

How could she?

Her genes dooming her.

Half monster.

Half killer.

Molded into what they wanted her to be.

Never comprehending she had a choice.

It would have been hard.

Near impossible.

But I would have helped her.

Protected her.

Loved her.

_Saved _her.

If only we'd had the chance.

To get to know each other.

To see beyond expectations.

To try and find common ground.

_Family._

She was mine.

Now she's gone.

Three days to make an impact.

It'll take a lifetime to understand.

To grieve.

The End

bjxmas

February 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Dean and all the Winchesters have a remarkable ability to move past the tragedy, to focus on the job, that next crisis that needs attention. I don't see Dean dwelling on the loss, but he did feel it, and it will continue to be there in the dark recesses of his mind, lying in wait for a moment of opportunity to surge forth and do further damage. Every death, every hurt, is there, bottled up and contained in that lead box, awaiting its chance, looking for an opening. Dean is strong and determined but he is waging an uphill battle, weighed down by more loss than most could ever imagine, but forever trudging onward. _

_He is a hero. That's what heroes do._

_Thanks for reading, reviews always welcome. _

_B.J._


	8. Family Curse

Chapter Eight – Family Curse

It's easy to fall into childhood taunts.

Dean's so susceptible to baiting.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

Didn't intend to make light of what happened.

Didn't want to make it even harder on him.

God...to father a child.

Then discover it's a monster.

Is that Dean's curse?

For his entire family to go darkside?

He's already been through that with me.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I can't believe he tried to help her.

That he'd believe her for a second.

I should have...believed.

I've seen the good in the man.

The hope and the unanswered prayer.

The End

bjxmas

April 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Like Dean, I don't blame Sam at all for what was done. There were a few instances when I felt his words were a little harsh, particularly the comment about why did Lydia pick him...as if Dean wasn't worthy of someone thinking he could be successful and desirable. I chalk it all up to brotherly bantering. I KNOW Sam loves and respects Dean, so the random words are just that, random off-hand comments that aren't meant to harm. _

_And the irritation and anger at the end, that was pure fear and love warring to save his brother, desperate to not lose him to his depression and hopelessness. Sam cares, period. I love that the writers allow them to be human and speak off the cuff, as real brothers often mindlessly do._

_I think Sam truly believed that Dean couldn't do it. Sam, of all people, knows how much family means to Dean, how predisposed he is to sacrificing himself over allowing any harm to come to his loved ones. It's reasonable for Sam to be frantic that Dean couldn't kill his own daughter. I think that's one of the reasons why Sam kept insisting that she wasn't Dean's...to help ease the loss and to temper the idea that he'd killed his own niece. To try and convince Dean to divest himself from the feelings that won't ever be fully eased. _

_This is why I find our show so amazing. They took an idea that I really abhorred and turned it into this sensitive, character-revealing, introspective examination of all we believe in, for the brothers and in general. The Slice Girls turned into one of their more intriguing episodes, for the tender resolution of a very disturbing and emotionally wrenching plot. I love when they make it work. It shows the brilliance and utter fearlessness of our writers and the sensitive nuanced acting of Jensen and Jared. Kudos for turning me around. And Jerry Wanek's direction was inspired, beautiful and ghastly at the same time with the juxtaposition of the murders and sex scene. Only on Supernatural! _

_Thanks again. All comments appreciated. Later, B.J._


	9. Don't Die

Chapter Nine – Don't Die

He asks me to not die.

Same thing I ask of him.

My response, "I'll do my best."

That's all I can promise.

I know where he's coming from.

Been there myself.

But dying.

Having it over.

Can't deny, it holds appeal.

I'm not looking for it.

At least not actively.

But it's there.

A silent promise.

A welcome end.

The release of all this pressure.

All the waiting.

I'm bloody tired.

Weary.

Wishing it was done.

Over.

For now I'm hanging on.

Going through the motions.

Focused on one thing.

Vengeance.

Making Dick pay.

All I have left.

The End

bjxmas

April 2012

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Vengeance is no way to live. Dean used to know that. Used to be the voice of reason when his family surrendered all in their quest for blood. Bobby's death, all the death surrounding them, the pain and the pressure, have all transpired to mold Dean into someone he is not. He should be hunting Dick and the Leviathans because they are a threat to mankind, because they are monsters who deserve to die._

_Here's hoping Dean can focus on that and return to a sense of balance and acceptance. I've never known how a hunter does it, but deep down Dean does and he'll find his way back to that. He is Dean Winchester after all, and that's just how he's made._

_I think I'll end this verse on that note. _

_Thanks for coming along on this journey. All comments welcome._

_Later, B.J._


End file.
